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Jokes are not bad

Discussion in 'The Big Adda' started by prototype, Jun 14, 2010.

  1. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    I think we should also have a thread on jokes just like funny pictures to have a little humorous time here also

    [​IMG]
     
    The BrOkEn HeArT likes this.
  2. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    What If IPL Was Nationalized

    1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India.

    2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi.


    3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharshtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken.

    4. The Chennai Super Kings team will renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively.

    5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc.

    6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

    7. Cheerleaders will be replaced by honourable ministers who will give speeches during breaks in the match.

    8. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for be women.

    9. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets.

    10. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized.

    11. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission.

    12. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cell-phone will immediately be withdrawn.

    13. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him.

    14. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.

    15. These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks.

    16. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7.30 a.m. and subsequently from 3.30 a.m. to 7p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability.

    17. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired.

    18. There will be no matches on weekends or on national/regional holidays.

    19. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green.

    20. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it.
     
    GuardianRED, jbgt90, Gessler and 18 others like this.
  3. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
    A. Mega-saur-ass :D
     
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  4. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    A woman is like a pack of cards ...

    ... You need a heart to love her

    ... A diamond to marry her

    ... A club to smash her head in

    ... And a spade to bury the :eek:
     
    3 people like this.
  5. Desi Jatt

    Desi Jatt Captain ELITE MEMBER

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    ^^^ good one proto..keep them coming.
     
  6. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahh, it's cute.
    3. Who circumcised you?
    4. Why don't we just cuddle?
    5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    6. It's more fun to look at.
    7. Make it dance.
    8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
    9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
    10. It looks like a night crawler.
    11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    12. Weird snake
    13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
    14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
    15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
    16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    17. Oh no, a flash headache.
    18. (giggle and point)
    19. Can I be honest with you?
    20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
    21. Let me go get my tweezers.
    22. How sweet, you brought incense.
    23. This explains your car.
    24. You must be a growing boy.
    25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
    27. Are you one of those pygmies?
    28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
    29. Every heard of clearasil?
    30. All right, a treasure hunt!
    31. I didn't know they came that small.
    32. Why is God punishing you?
    33. At least this won't take long.
    34. I never saw one like that before.
    35. What do you call this?
    36. But it still works, right?
    37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
    38. It looks so unused.
    39. Do you take steroids?
    40. I hear excessive work shrinks it.
    41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
    44. Did you date Rakhi savant
    45. Aww, it's hiding.
    46. Are you cold?
    47. If you get me real drunk first.
    48. Is that an optical illusion?
    49. What is that?
    50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
    51. Were you neutered?
    52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    53. Does it come with an air pump?
    54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
    55. Where are the puppet strings?
    56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
    57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
    58. Never mind, why bother.
    59. Is that a second belly button?
    60. Where's the rest of it?

    never ever say all these to a naked guy
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
    jbgt90 likes this.
  7. megatrajan

    megatrajan FULL MEMBER

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    In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

    The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

    So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

    To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!".

    After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?".

    To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!".

    The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico".

    To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"
     
  8. megatrajan

    megatrajan FULL MEMBER

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    Did you hear about the optimist who just died?

    He fell off the 10th floor of a building and the occupents of each floor heard him, as he fell by, chanting the words....

    "So far so good.... so far so good..... so far so goood"
     
    jbgt90 likes this.
  9. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    The New Wife

    t is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.

    The new wife (progressive Indian woman), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

    As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family,I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."

    "What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.

    "What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!

    "And what are you here for Bahurani?" enquired the mother-in-law.

    "AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON !!!"
     
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  10. megatrajan

    megatrajan FULL MEMBER

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    A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures
    alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
    seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he
    does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

    "Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    "Actually, no," the man replied.

    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands
    beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the
    bartender.

    "Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running
    her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple ofjop
    fingers into his mouth and allowing him to clean them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

    "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, no hand soap and no
    paper towels in the ladies room!"
     
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  11. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls"

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

    GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!
     
  12. Arjun MBT

    Arjun MBT Captain SENIOR MEMBER

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    What do you call a dog with 4 legs? answer fast...or give up
     
  13. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    dog or what.........ok give up
     
  14. Arjun MBT

    Arjun MBT Captain SENIOR MEMBER

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    it will be still called a Dog..lol....
     
  15. prototype

    prototype Major SENIOR MEMBER

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    Proof that girls r evil

    first we have to accept that girl require time and money
    so

    girls=time*money

    and as we all know time is money

    time=money

    therefore

    girl=money*money=money square

    so we know that money is root of all evil

    money=square root of evil

    therefore

    girls=square of square root of evil

    hence

    girl=evil
     
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