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Jokes are not bad

Discussion in 'The Big Adda' started by prototype, Jun 14, 2010.

  1. DragonKnight

    DragonKnight Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    I'd say that wud truly be the greatest achievement... even by a superhuman....
     
  2. Steel

    Steel Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    He interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last
    question of the interview. Please tell me the exact position of the
    center of this table where u have kept your files."

    Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table
    and told that this was the central point at the table. Interviewer asked
    how did u get to know that this being the central point of this table,
    then he answers quickly that sir u r not likely to ask any more
    question, as it was the last question that u promised to ask.....

    And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness.
     
  3. DaRk KnIght

    DaRk KnIght Lt. Colonel ELITE MEMBER

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    Unknown call..

    He: do u have a bf?
    She: yes, who are u?
    He: I'm your brother ! Just wait till i come home!!/:):D
    ... ... ...
    Another unknown call..

    He : do u have a bf ?
    She : no no I don't
    He : what ? :O I'm ur bf , u just break my heart
    She : no no no darling I'm sorry I though u r my brother
    He : =D right ! I'm ur brother Just wait till I come home , i'll show u later :D
     
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  4. DaRk KnIght

    DaRk KnIght Lt. Colonel ELITE MEMBER

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    [​IMG]
     
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  5. DragonKnight

    DragonKnight Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    WORLD WAR ??!!??

    Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.



    "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"



    "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"



    "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"



    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."



    "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."



    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on.



    We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"



    "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.



    "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."



    Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."



    "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."



    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"



    Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"



    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."



    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."



    "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"



    "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
     
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  6. Foxtrot

    Foxtrot Captain SENIOR MEMBER

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    ## Mods may delete this if considered offensive ##

    Once, Gandhiji, Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose & Swami vivekananda were going somewhere together......
    on the way, they all felt very hungry........but they had no food with them......
    they kept on walking.........until they saw an orchard.........
    they all were very happy having spotted the orchard.........and decided to go in and steal some fruits.......
    So, they all tresspassed the fence......and started looking for some fruits......
    every one picked their favorite fruit......
    while doing so they got caught by the gate keeper......and were brought to the owner of the garden...
    The owner seemed very angry.......and told,"since u all have committed a crime...u all should face punishment"...
    they all looked frightened.......
    only netaji mastered the courage to ask,"what is the punishment?"...
    the owner replied,"u all have two options.......one, u will be shot dead, or, two, u will have to shove all the fruits u have picked up u'r as*"...
    First, vivekananda was asked.....and he opted for the 2nd option.....and so did the other two when asked
    the owner asked vivekananda to bring the fruits he have plucked.....
    So, vivekananda brought some grapes..........and seemed rather happy than sad, after the punishment was over.....
    next was netaji's turn....
    he went and brought the MANGOES he picked.......and then the punishment started....
    as the punishment commenced netaji started laughing.......
    the owner stood aghast looking at netaji..........and asked,"what r u laughing for? Isn't it hurting?"
    netaji replied,"I'm laughing not bcoz it's hurting....i'm laughing looking at gandhiji"...
    at that moment everybody turned around to c what d matter was and saw Gandhiji entering the room - gloom faced carrying on his shoulder - the JACK FRUIT over which 3 of them fought a few minutes ago.....
    The owner dint know what to say...............:rofl:
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2011
  7. DaRk KnIght

    DaRk KnIght Lt. Colonel ELITE MEMBER

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    [​IMG]
     
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  8. Steel

    Steel Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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  9. Steel

    Steel Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    [​IMG]



    Conference Room

    [​IMG]

    Rules for an elevator

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  10. Steel

    Steel Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    This is the cleverest email I've ever seen.

    Please wait until the group changes positions.

    Is it twelve or thirteen??

    [​IMG]

    This will drive you crazy!

    Where does the extra man come from?





    Love ur job....no matter what u do!!

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2011
  11. Steel

    Steel Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    Catching Fish is Illegal ...
    A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.

    The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

    "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."

    "Pet fish?"

    "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

    The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

    The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

    "Well, whut?" said the redneck.

    "When are you going to call them back?"

    "Call who back?"

    "The FISH!"

    "What fish?"






    Falling from balcony
    A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

    "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

    As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

    While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

    "No!" she shrieked, aghast.

    So, he dropped her.

    As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

    "Do you screw?" he asked.

    "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

    The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

    "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
     
  12. Steel

    Steel Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    amithab

    1st
    This is when Amitabh Bachan got fit after his long ilness.....

    one fine morning he told his drvier "Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge.., tum peechhe baito". (Today I will drive the car, you sit at the back seat)

    driver, "Par saab aapki tabyat?.." (But sir, what about your health)

    amitabh "Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he, I am fit and fine...kya dance karke dikhau, dialogue, fighting kare dikhau.....Hain" (Now I am fine, do you want me to dance, or deliver dialogue, or perform some action scene?)

    Ok then he starts driving the car very fast....zoooooooooom

    breaks one red signal...

    breaks second red signal....

    breaks on more red signal...

    Then a traffic hawaldar (Constable) stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road..

    Tells the driver to come out... "Chalo liscence dikhao,puc, gaadi ke kagjaaat..." (Common, show license, vehicle papers etc)

    Sees amitabh "are Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" (Oh Amitabh Bachchan?!!!!) he is very suprised to see him....

    Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers....

    Constable: "Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye naake par..." (Sir please come here fast)

    Officer: "KYun kya hua??" (why what happened)

    Constable:"Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda he aur maine us gaadi ko side me rakha he" (One car has jumped traffic signals, I have stopped the car)

    Officer: "To phir?" (So?)

    Constable:"SIr, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi he sir .... mein uska challan nahi phaad sakta aap khud yaha aiye .., ho sake to commissioner ko bhee layen" (The owner of that car is a very big man, I cannot give ticket to him, if possible bring along commissioner too.)

    Officer: "KON MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??" (Who is the owner of the car?)

    constable : "WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR PAR USNE NE AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HE....". (That I don't know sir, but he has kept Amithabh Bachchan as driver.)

    2nd

    Amitabh public toilet me se pura bhig ke nikla.
    Jaya: Aap to susu karne gaye the?
    Amitabh: Jaise hi main andar gaya, koi bola "BIG B" or sab meri taraf ghoom gaye!

    3rd

    Rajnikanth was bragging to Amitabh Bachan one day, "You know, I know everyone. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, Amitabh Bachan called his bluff, "OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?"

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it" Rajini said.

    So Rajini and Amitabh Bachan fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,

    And sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts : "Thalaiva! Great to see you! You And your friends come right in and join me for lunch!"

    ...Although impressed, Amitabh Bachan is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Rajini that he thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was

    Just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else" Rajini says


    ..."President Obama", Amitabh Bachan quickly retorts

    ..."Yes", Rajini says, "I know him.

    And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Rajini on the tour and motions him, saying, : "Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way

    to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up".

    Well, Amitabh Bachan is much shaken by now, but still not totally onvinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he implores him to name anyone else.

    "The Pope," Amitabh Bachan replies

    ..."Sure!" says Rajini, "My folks are from Italy and I've known the Pope a long time".

    Rajini and Amitabh Bachan are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.. Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

    But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Amitabh Bachan has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to Amitabh Bachan's side, Rajini asks him, "What happened?"

    Amitabh Bachan looks up and says,"I was doing fine until u and the pope came out on the balcony and the Italian man next to me said,
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    "Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"
     
  13. lucifer

    lucifer Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    "Sorry to hear this sir. I'm not another pseudo sympathizer. I know how it feels to be slapped by a sardar ."
    Sreesanth SMS to Sharad Pawar
     
  14. lucifer

    lucifer Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    Breaking News: Sharad Pawar has now claimed ownership of Congress party as now he has the official congress logo on his cheek!
     
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  15. lucifer

    lucifer Lieutenant SENIOR MEMBER

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    A bengali said:

    "aaj hamaar open di(ks ka operation haai."

    It took me a while to realize he meant "appendix".
     
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