Military humour

Discussion in 'Military Photos & Videos' started by CONNAN, Jan 13, 2011.

  1. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    ATC and Electrical crew…

    At an international airport in the Middle East a few years ago. A local hero there and an all round good egg, Tom, in the tower one day received a call from the electrical guys on their way to do their daily checks. "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." "Electric One, Tower. Hold." A few seconds later Tom receives another call, "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." Tom replies "Electric One, Tower. Hold." A few seconds later, the same call again, "Tower, Electric One. Request clearance to cross the runway at Yankee." Tom replies, "Electric One - If you look to your right you will see a Garuda 747 about to land. If you’ve got the balls you've got the permission." After a couple of seconds, "Electric One - Holding."
    1 person likes this.
  2. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    Trainee and ATC

    Controller: I've got you on radar, state your intentions.
    Pilot: Can I fly around in circles Sir?
    Controller: Negative, you are in a busy airspace right now.
    Pilot: Ok then, I'll fly around in straight lines.
    1 person likes this.
  3. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    ATC vs F4

    Story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint military/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot requested clearance to take off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic the ATC told him he'd have to hold. After a repeated impatient request by the F-4 to take-off the ATC suggested that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft within half the runway length he could take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To the ATC's surprise the F-4 pilot acknowledged the tower and began to roll. At the halfway mark the F-4 went vertically up until he reached 14,000ft, then levelled off. The ATC had no option than to hand the pilot over to departures and wish him a nice day, since he'd met the conditions laid down. The ATC said it was the darndest thing he ever saw.
  4. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt-am-Main. The tower controller, obviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, But a little left of the centre-line, I think." Quick as a flash, the BA Captain replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I am a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the right of it."

    The late Captain Mickey Munn – an all-round fine fellow, highly experienced pilot and, at the time, Sergeant in the Red Devils (UK Parachute Regiment display team) - was piloting a Britten Norman Islander to jumping altitude with a full load of hairy-arsed paras crammed into the rear of the aircraft. With no warning at all, a bang and a flash of flame, the port engine blew itself to pieces. Mickey's hands flashed around the cockpit as he brought the aircraft under control. As soon as the aircraft was straight and level he turned to his passengers and said: "Phew. I think you chaps should…" But his words tailed away as he gaped at the empty passenger cabin. At the first sign of trouble, the paras had leaped from the aircraft and were at that moment floating serenely towards the earth. Mickey landed safely to tell the tale.
    1 person likes this.
  5. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you." (Ack E Scharzmann)

    A newly promoted Military Liaison Officer was standing the morning watch at Oakland ARTCC. His former controller team mates sent an assistant to the front desk, requesting permission from the new MLO to start the 'wind tunnels' at Moffett NAS (there weren't any of course). Not wanting to appear ignorant, the MLO granted the request. After notifying the front desk a short time later that there were reports of severe to extreme turbulence in the vicinity of San Carlos, Palo Alto and San Jose airports, the controllers watched in glee as the rookie supervisor grabbed the 'hot phone' and bellowed to the watch supervisor at Moffett (and through the loudspeakers at every other ATC facility in Oakland's area), "This is the Oakland Center Supervisor and I'm ordering you to immediately shut off that f...ing fan!”
  6. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.------------------- Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
    Something loose in cockpit.------------------------------------------------- Something tightened in cockpit.
    Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.---------------------- Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
    Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.---- Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
    Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.-------------------------------- Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
    Mouse in cockpit.------------------------------------------------------------ Cat installed.
    Target radar hums.---------------------------------------------------------- Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]--------- Engine found on starboard
    wing after brief search.
    Pilot's clock inoperative.---------------------------------------------------- Wound clock.
    Aircraft handles funny.------------------------------------------------------ Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
    Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.--------------------------------- Pilot removed from aircraft.
    Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.----Took hammer away from midget.
    Suspected crack in windshield.----------------------------------------------Suspect you are right.
    IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]----------------------IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
    Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.-----------------------------Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
    No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] -----Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
    Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.----------------- Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
    Dead bugs on windshield.--------------------------------------------------- Live bugs on back order.
    Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.- Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.------------------------------ Evidence removed.
    Three roaches in cabin. -----------------------------------------------------One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
    DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]------- DME volume set to more believable level.
    No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.----------------------- No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
    Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.------------------------------- That's what they are for.​
  7. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    NO Parking Space….

    [​IMG]
  8. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    Watch out for the Car,

    [​IMG]
  9. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    Close Enough ???

    [​IMG]
    2 people like this.
  10. layman
    Online

    layman SENIOR MODERATOR Staff Member

    Army lady…

    [​IMG]

Share This Page