Military humour

Discussion in 'Military Photos & Videos' started by CONNAN, Jan 14, 2011.

  1. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL-QAIDA TERRORISTS
    THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!

    This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

    And after all, it is just a sign.

    You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.

    Answer: A Funeral Home
    (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
    3 people like this.
  2. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
    aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
    One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,

    "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

    The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

    The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference...
    If it is an Air Force plane, it is 3 o'clock.
    If it is an Army aircraft,.it is 1500 hours.
    If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
    If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
    If it is an American Airlines flight, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3
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  3. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was
    sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

    Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, and then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

    "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
  4. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier:

    "Sure, buddy."

    Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
    Do you have change for a dollar?"

    Soldier: "No, SIR!"
  5. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

    The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

    The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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  6. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French
    Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

    "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer
    asked sarcastically.

    The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

    "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible!" "You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on
    arrival in France!"

    The American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,
    "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944,
    I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.
  7. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news," said our platoon sergeant during our morning lineup. "First, the good news. Private Tomkins will be setting the pace on our run." The platoon began to hoot and holler, since the overweight Tomkins was the slowest guy in the group.

    "Now the bad news. Private Tomkins will be driving a truck.”

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our

    days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown

    to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track

    my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I

    came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


    I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do

    than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing

    crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!!

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a

    'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn

    tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put

    it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.

    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more

    tickets he wrote.


    Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus.

    The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that

    said OBAMA' in 08.



    I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
  8. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    The military has many unique ways of looking at problems. Many times, even though the personalities traits may be identical, they are always relative, by rank.

    The system seems to handle each one differently. However, the lower in rank you are, the clearer the problem becomes.

    Problem #1: "Has a BAD ATTITUDE"
    THE COLONEL - Has his own way of doing things
    THE CAPTAIN - Shows initiative
    THE SERGEANT - Often sets his own course
    THE CORPORAL - Is a discipline problem and never follows orders

    Problem #2: "Has a UNKEPT APPEARANCE"
    THE COLONEL - Sets a different standard
    THE CAPTAIN - Requires improvement in dress and deportment
    THE SERGEANT - Is untidy
    THE CORPORAL - Is a slovenly maggot

    Problem #3: "has a STRANGE DEMEANOR"
    THE COLONEL - Has a unique perspective
    THE CAPTAIN - Is known to be eccentric
    THE SERGEANT - Tends to be slightly off track
    THE CORPORAL - Is nuts

    Problem #4: "Appears to have LOW INTELLIGENCE"
    THE COLONEL - Possess a different way of thinking
    THE CAPTAIN - Has problems with some concepts
    THE SERGEANT - Is a slow learner
    THE CORPORAL - Has the I.Q. of a dumpster

    Problem #5: "Has a DOMESTIC SITUATION"
    THE COLONEL - Interacts well socially with the fairer gender
    THE CAPTAIN - Has many female friends
    THE SERGEANT - Has been seen in the company of other women
    THE CORPORAL - Screws around

    Problem #6: "Questions raised about SEXUAL ORIENTATION"
    THE COLONEL - Loves his men
    THE CAPTAIN - Has an alternative approach
    THE SERGEANT - Has many tender qualities
    THE CORPORAL - Is a fag

    Problem #7: "Deciding on SUITABLE PUNISHMENT"
    THE COLONEL - A slight reprimand may be necessary if this happens again
    THE CAPTAIN - Recommend disciplinary counseling session
    THE SERGEANT - Should be held accountable
    THE CORPORAL - Should be thrown in The Hole and forgotten

    Problem #8: "Has been reported UA"
    THE COLONEL - Has taken an extended leave period
    THE CAPTAIN - Is on personal administration
    THE SERGEANT - Is not at work station presently
    THE CORPORAL - Send the MP's

    Problem #9: "Billet is FILLED BY A WOMAN"
    THE COLONEL - Has worked hard and made her sister-officers proud
    THE CAPTAIN - Can do the same work as any man at her rank
    THE SERGEANT - Does well against the challenges her gender must face
    THE CORPORAL - Is probably a lesbian.
  9. Manmohan Yadav
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    Manmohan Yadav Field Marshal Staff Member SENIOR MODERATOR

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    Now i understand why the scientists say that
    pace of time is different through out the universe.
  10. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    Armed Forces Voicemail Message.


    "Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces."

    All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world.

    When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.

    As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, N. Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran ... well you get the picture, and graduate from our compulsory Consideration of the Feelings of Others orientation classes, we'll be happy to return your call.

    For more options, please press ONE now.

    (beep!)

    If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press TWO for the Marine Corps Special Recon Forces.

    If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press THREE for the US Air Force.

    If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a pretty good marching band, press FOUR for the US Navy. Please note, however that Tomahawk Missile Service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

    If your crisis is not urgent, press FIVE for the CentCom Rapid Deployment Force.

    If you just want troops to occupy your country, get drunk at the local bars, inpregnante your women, run over your dogs with their vehicles, and in general be a pain in the buttocks, press SIX for the US Army.

    If you're in real trouble, press SEVEN for the USMC Command Center. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsory consumer credit check is completed. Please note that the USMC Command Center may bill your account at any time, and the actual specifics of the charges will be highly classified.

    If you'd like to join the U.S. Marines, where you'll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and work long hours, risk your life, in all kinds of weather and terrain, while watching Congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Marine Recruiter in the old strip mall down by the Post Office will be with you shortly.

    Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces Hotline!"
  11. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
    ~~~
    I had amnesia once -- or twice.
    ~~~
    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
    ~~~
    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
    ~~~
    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
    ~~~
    If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
    ~~~
    What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
    ~~~
    Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
    ~~~
    Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
    ~~~
    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
    ~~~
    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    ~~~
    My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
    ~~~
    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
    ~~~
    The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
    ~~~
    How can there be self-help 'groups'?
    ~~~
    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
    ~~~
    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
    ~~~
    Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
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  12. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    A soldier, returning to Iraq for the first time since 2003, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits he noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

    Now he observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

    He approached one of the women and asked: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

    "IEDs," replied the Iraqi woman.
  13. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    The Old Gunny walks into a bar. Sitting himself down, he tells the bartender, "Quick! Pour me a shot of Jim Beam before the trouble starts."

    The bartender pours a drink and watches as The Old Gunny quickly downs it.

    Putting the glass on the bar, The Old Gunny says, "Give me another shot before the trouble starts."

    The bartender pours another shot and The Old Gunny tosses it back as quickly as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding, ". . . before the trouble starts."

    After several rounds of this the bartender says, "Look, Gunnery Sergeant, you've been in here ten minutes and you keep talking about trouble starting. Just when is this trouble going to start?"

    The Old Gunny looks at the bartender and replies, "The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I ain't got no goddam money."
  14. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    The Commanding General summoned The Old Gunny into Building 1 upon learning that The Old Gunny was about to retire.

    The General said, "Gunny, the best way to be an old Marine is to listen to the old Marines. I want you to prepare your thoughts on the New Breed of officers here aboard the depot."

    The Old Gunny squirmed a bit and said, "General, I'm not much for writing, Sir."

    "That's fine Gunny. Just make a list. Ten bullet statements, you know - 'talking points.' That will be all, Gunny."

    "Aye, aye sir!"

    A month later, the General found a manila folder on his desk containing a single sheet of paper that bore the following:

    _______________________________________

    1.) As far as the New Breed officers are concerned:
    (a) It's more important to look good than to be good.
    (b) A unit that has no money for spare parts will still manage to afford a big-screen TV for powerpoint presentations.
    (c) A bad plan with a good powerpoint presentation is better than a good plan with a bad powerpoint presentation.

    2.) Three NCOs thinking about an issue four months and coming up with a detailed plan, will be overruled by a New Breed caaptain who knows nothing about the problem who thought about it for less than 30 seconds.

    3.) When you achieve high rank, the difference between what you know and what you feel fades away.

    4.) A year's hard work by the troops can be destroyed because of some minor incident that happened to a New Breed major when he was a lieutenant.

    5.) New Breed officers sit around thinking a lot. In a vacuum. This is not a good thing.

    6.) New Breed officers think they're businessmen. They think the principles used in business, like "corporate vision" and "TQM" can work in the Corps. This is because officers spend a lot of time trying to sell things, usually grand ideas and catchy names.

    7.) New Breed officers believe that a plan won't succeed unless it has a good name, like Operation Intrinsic Action. NCOs would rather give it something simple, like Operation Beat-Their-F******-Heads-In, and get on with it.

    8.) New Breed Officers believe that a soldier is happier when he's busy, even if he's not doing what's important. NCOs know that nothing is so useless as doing well something which should not be done at all.

    9.) There are a lot of New Breed officers out there who would have been better as NCOs, and a lot of NCOs who would have been better as officers.

    10.) Creating a twenty-minute slide show that makes a New Breed officer look good will get you the same medal as working your a-**off for 12 months for the same officer.

    Sir: I hope this is what the General wanted.

    Semper Fi,
    TOG
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  15. layman
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    layman Field Marshal Staff Member ADMINISTRATOR

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    A 60-ished broker is walking down Wall Street one evening when he spots The Old Gunny wearing a Vietnam Vet ballcap. As he passes the guy, the broker asks, "You were in the 'Nam?"

    The The Old Gunny looks up, says, "Yes," then pauses, looks closely at the broker, and says, "Major? It's me! Your orderly in 1974. I'm a gunny now."

    "My God! What the hell are you doing here, Gunny?"

    "Well, sir, I'm gettin gready to muster out next month."

    "I got out as a lieutenant colonel. Went into the market and I've been doing really well."

    The Old Gunny says, "Well that's great, sir. You have a great day. Gotta check in at the hotel."

    "Look, come stay with us while you are in town. I've got a big house with plenty of room, and my wife won't mind."

    "Sir, I really don't want to be a problem."

    "No problem! In fact, uou actually can do me a favor by making sure I'm up in the morning -- just like in the old days."

    "OK, sir."

    So the Major hails a cab and the two pile in. He takes The Old Gunny for lunch at McSorley's, where they have a few drinks and talk about old times.

    They get to the Major's house fairly late. The Major gives The Old Gunny a little tour, shows him were various things are stored, gives him a room, and says "I'll see you in the morning."

    At 4:00 a.m., The Old Gunny wakes up. At precisely 4:15 he opens the door to the master bedroom, walks in, smacks the Major's wife on the behind and says, "OK baby, here's five bucks, time to get back to the village, Mam-san. Di-di outta here, most ricky-tick!"

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